The Workplace

FYI: 100% of the men at your workplace are walking, talking HR violations waiting to happen.

All of these men (at least those under 50) are perfectly happy to work with women in the workplace.  They see you as equals and agree that you deserve equal pay for equal work and all of the other PC stuff that goes along with the issue.

However, despite having 30 or 40 years to get used to the idea of women as equals, men are still driven by natural instincts and desires.  Over these 30 or 40 years they have learned to hide and internalize these instincts - in other words, to play by the rules.  And while the rules (and common sense, really) say it's bad form to pinch or squeeze or grab or slap or tickle, there is no way to police the mind so it is free to run rampant.

Every workplace encounter between a male and a female begins the same way.  First, the man quickly absorbs and memorizes the female's appearance.  This is crucial information which he might need to relate to other male co-workers, but he must be careful when obtaining all of the details.  His eyes must not pause below the female's face.  He must be sure to take in her full appearance without seeming to give her the once-over.  It is not as easy as it sounds, and in the beginning the technique is honed by failing at some point and getting called out on it.  Being asked, "Are you looking at my breasts?" isn't usually the best way to start off the day.

Once the female's image is imprinted into the man's brain, a rapid-fire thought process is triggered even before the first "hello," is uttered.  Keep in mind this process is the same no matter the age or attractiveness of the female in question.

1. Would I sleep with her?  This is almost a trick question since the answer is generally, "yes."
2. What is under there?  Socks?  Stockings?  Panties?  Granny underwear?  Nothing?
3. Are they real?
4. Does the carpet match the drapes?
5. Would she enjoy a mustache ride?

All of that, and more like it, flashes by in the blink of an eye. It happens all day, every day, right in your office.

What are we thinking, for real?

Every time I'm in the check-out line, I see one.  Cosmo.  Glamour.  Good Housekeeping.  And no matter which one it is, they all have some deep desire to tell you what your man is thinking.

• What he wants in bed...
• What he wants in the kitchen...
• What he likes you to wear...
• What he wants in bed but is afraid to ask for...
• What he really wants in bed...
• What he really secretly wants in bed for real this time...

Are women really so needy that they have to read hints and secrets from magazines?  Well, hold that thought.  These magazines throw millions of dollars at market research so they can put eye-catching  slug lines on their covers.  If these questions didn't sell magazines I wouldn't see them every time I'm buying something.

And then my cynical mind tells me something else - these magazines want to keep making money so they aren't really going to give you the answers.  They hire a woman to write about her experience with her current man and they leave it at that - until the next month when she has a new man and the same question has all new answers.

I think the time has come to put an end to these fake tell-all articles and get it all out in the open once and for all.

The first place all of those women's magazines get it wrong is that there is nothing complicated about the male mind.  It's a really simple place with a few key thought patterns.  This is true of the guy at the car wash all the way through to the guy working on commercial rockets with Richard Branson.  Don't get me wrong - the male brain is capable of tremendous achievement, but such capabilities are never utilized in any interpersonal relationships.

For this initial blog offering let's take a look a something timely and fashionable for spring: Shoes.

There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding among the sexes when it comes to shoes.  Women want to own every shoe they see - red ones, black ones, blue ones, white ones, high ones, low ones...  Men, on the other hand, don't understand why anyone would need so many shoes.  Or is that only how it seems?

Here's the truth of it, ladies:  You buy too many of the wrong shoes.  

If you are confused, here are some hints -- Uggs are the wrong shoes.  Running shoes are the wrong shoes.  Flip-flops of any kind (even with rhinestones and leather) are definitely the wrong shoes.

store.prada.com       $690

The correct shoes for springtime have a heel - not too tall, but not too short either.  They are made of leather in whatever color your heart desires.  And, they have straps - the thinner the better.  A single main strap around the back of the heel is sufficient if the rest of the shoe is airy and open with some other sub-straps over the front of the foot.  However, the best of the bunch incorporate a strap around the ankle with a small metal buckle - a nice delicate touch which we can explore later when we try to get you out of them.

Speaking of which - next time you're feeling guilty about dropping a grand on a sexy pair of heels, try this on for size. If you're worried that your man might be upset about the money you spent on them just meet him at the door wearing your new shoes - and nothing else.  I guarantee there will be no arguments.

If any of this seems off-base to you - perhaps because it goes counter to what you've learned year after year in your Cosmo articles - I'll leave you with one question.  If I'm wrong, why are there so many images - from pinups of the 40's and 50's to modern-day porn - where it's a picture of a woman wearing nothing but a pair of strappy heels?